I wish my penis had an off switch
That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
I wish there were birth control emojis
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
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