So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
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