Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
