There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Houston, we have a blender
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
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