And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Randomize
