His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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