Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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