I think i peed on brittanys purse
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
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