so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
