I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
