Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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