My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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