I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Randomize
