happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Randomize
