If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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