Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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