The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
He? As in you personified your dick?
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
