Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
Randomize
