so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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