I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
