Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
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