if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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