I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I just found puke in my bra..
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
