so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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