Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
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