Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Randomize
