i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
Randomize
