Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I still have a little drunk in my system
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
Randomize
