I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
