her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Randomize
