Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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