It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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