After last night, I could never be a politician.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize