hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
