I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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