i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
