how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
In other news, I just burned my penis
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
