I'm gonna have a badass scar
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
do nipples grow back?
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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