The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
whose parrot is this?
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
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