you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Randomize
