Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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