a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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