im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
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