All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
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