either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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