Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Randomize