well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
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