Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
