genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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