I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Randomize
