This is not my ceiling
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
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