I am puke
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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