the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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