She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
