what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Randomize
