OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
dude. I can hear the air.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
