i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
my penis made a compromise with my morals
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
