I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
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