Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize