The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize
