You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I would fuck him just for his dog
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
