I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
