yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
