No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Randomize